Well, it’s over.

FINALLY can say goodbye to my hardest year of college thus far! Seriously 2011-2012… You rocked me in the worst way possibly. So happy you’re donzo.

My poor puppies agree. They might be more excited than I am about this whole being done business.

Andddd now I’m officially a senior. I already technically am now, but we will get to that in a bit.

It doesn’t feel like it’s over yet. This school year I mean. I haven’t had time to process anything at all. It’s almost like a numb feeling. 

I’m also really disappointed in my grades this semester, which is something I swore wouldn’t happen. Yet, here we are a few months later and my GPA is still not going to cut it for my future professional school plans. I have this summer and next fall to get things up. That’s not a lot of time. Not a lot of time at all. 

I’m not a bad student. Truly… I’m not. I’m just not a good student either. And to be honest, I don’t know how. I don’t why. I don’t know how it’s gotten to this point. I don’t neglect my studies. I’m not a class skipper. I study. I interact in class. I care.

About three weeks ago I began a new approach to correcting my studying and learning patterns but it seems my efforts were too little, too late for this session. The damage is done.

I guess because of all that, I don’t feel like I really have the right to be happy that this semester is over.

I don’t feel like I deserve it.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard yet, have nothing but embarrassment and shame to show for it. No my GPA isn’t a 0.56 or anything but it’s not at the competitive level I need it to be at for down the road….

I keep going back to all the things I could have done differently and I just break into tears. I know I haven’t done the best I can, but then again at the same time… I DID feel like I was. I was giving all I could at that point in time.

Somewhere between being a full time student, working 20+ hours a week, volunteering at with church family, and just life in general, I let things slip from my fingers and now I’m just reaching for thin air.

However, that’s just simply not enough for me anymore. Something MUST CHANGE.

I HATE feeling this way. I hate it so much. I’m not stupid… I’m actually really smart with a lot of things. However, these numbers and letters on my transcript say differently and they are what everyone will be judging me on in this upcoming year.

I guess my face in this picture kind of sums up all my emotions right now:

In shock, happy/sad/about to cry from exhaustion-happiness-sadness all at the same time. Not really sure what to do or how to feel. Adrenaline pumping from my last test, but my bed screaming at me to come join it in a giant snuggle session and my body reminding me with every move just how much sleep I HAVEN’T gotten lately….

After all that ranting and raving though (I do apologize if you’ve made it this far).. At the end of the day… Life is good and my blessings are more then plentiful. I just need to learn how to manage those blessings better it seems.

As my wise friend Shea once told me,

“Life really is just a game… It’s just all about learning how to play it.”

PS»> I clearly need sleep.